1. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
如果你觉得没人在乎你的存在，试着拖欠几个月的汽车。
2. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly…and for the same reason.
政客和尿布有一个共同之处：都应该定期更换……原因也相同。
3. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
我一直想成为某个人，但现在我意识到我应该更具体。
4. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
我唯一喜欢熨烫衣服的时候是有一天我不小心把杜松子酒灌进了蒸汽熨斗里。
5. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.
我没有在争论，我只是在解释为什么我是正确的。
6. I’ve finally realized something: What other people think and say about me is none of my business.
我终于意识到了一些事情：别人对我怎么看怎么说，与我无关。
7. I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.
我不是懒，我只是非常放松。
8. I may be a terrible person, but at least I’m not fake.
我可能是个可怕的人，但至少我不假。
9. I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.
我生活在那种青春时期令人痛苦的孤独中，但在成熟年龄时则是美妙的。
10. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
天才和愚蠢之间的区别在于，天才也有极限。
11. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
我喜欢长时间的散步，尤其是和惹恼我的人一起走路。
12. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
如果你要告诉别人真相，要变得有趣，否则他们会杀了你。
13. The best way to predict your future is to create it.
预测未来的较好方法是创造它。
14. I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not you.
我可能不完美，但至少我不是你。
15. The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle.
做出伟大工作的唯一途径是热爱你所做的事情。如果你还没有找到，就继续寻找。不要妥协。
16. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
每个伟大的男人背后都有一个女人翻白眼。
17. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
我总是迟到上班，但通过早退来弥补。
18. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
如果你过于开放，你的大脑会掉下来。
19. I’m not sure if I have free time or if I’m just forgetting everything.
我不确定我是否有充足的时间，还是只是忘了一切。
20. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M’s and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
我的治疗师告诉我，实现真正的内心和平的方法是完成我开始的事情。到目前为止，我已经吃完了两袋M&M巧克力和一个巧克力蛋糕。我已经感觉好多了。
21. Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
机会不会敲门而来，只有当你跨出门去时，它才会出现。
22. I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
我没有失败，我只是找到了100种做错的方法。
23. The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
生命中最伟大的荣耀不在于从未跌倒，而在于每次跌倒后都能重新站起来。
24. I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
我不擅长给出建议。我能给你带来一些讽刺的评论吗？
25. Don’t watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.
不要看钟表，要像它一样。继续前进。
26. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
做你自己，别人已经不可用了。
27. The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself.
成功的第一步是在你拒绝成为最初发现自己处于的环境的囚犯时采取的。
28. I wear a necklace because I want to know when I’m upside down.
我戴着项链是因为我想知道我何时颠倒了。
29. You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.
你不能因为坠入爱河而责怪地心引力。
30. The best revenge is massive success.
较好的复仇就是巨大的成功。
31. I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
我不怕死亡；只是不想在死亡发生时在那里。
32. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
愚蠢和天才之间的区别在于，天才也有极限。
33. If you’re not making mistakes, then you’re not making decisions.
如果你不犯错误，那么你就没有做出决策。
34. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people
